Английский юмор

Здесь будут анекдоты, шутки-прибаутки и карикатуры на английском. 

Студенческий юмор * College Humour

Voice on phone: “John Smith is sick and can’t attend classes to-day. He requested me to notify you.”

Prof : “All right. Who is this speaking?”

Voice: “This is my roommate”.

notify v [‘noutifai] — известить, оповестить
roommate n [‘rummeit] — сосед по комнате

 “Did you pass your exam?”

“Well, it was like this — you see — ” .

“Shake! Neither did I.”

to pass an exam — сдать (выдержать) экзамен
Shake! [?eik] — воскл. зд. брось!

 Prof. : “Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 17th century?”

Stud . : “They are all dead, sir.”

chemist n [‘kemist] — химик

 At a college examination a professor said: “Does the question embarrass you?”

‘‘Not at all, sir,” replied the student, “not at all. It is the answer that bothers me.”

embarrass v [im’b?r?s] — смущать, затруднять
bother v [‘b???] — тревожить, беспокоить

The more we study, the more we know. The more we know, the more we forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less we forget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?

Prof . : “Hawkins, what is a synonym?”

Stud : “It ’s a word you use in place of another one when you cannot spell the other one.”

During a Christmas exam, one of the questions was: 

«What causes a depression?”

One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don’t.  Merry Christmas!”

The exam paper came back with the prof’s notation:

«God gets 100, you get zero. Happy New Year!”

Christmas n [‘kristm?s] — рождество

Christmas exam — экзамен в зимнюю сессию (перед рождеством)

depression п [di’pref?n] — депрессия, спад, упадок

merry a [‘meri] — веселый, радостный

The professor rapped on his desk and shouted: “Gentlemen, order!»
The entire class yelled: “Beer!”

rap v [г?р] — постучать, стучать

order n [‘?:d?] — порядок

order v [‘?:d?] — заказывать

beer n [bi?] — пиво

 “If the Dean doesn’t take back what he said to me this morning, I am going to leave college.”

“What did he say?”

“He told me to leave college.”

dean n [di:n] — декан

The bright student looked long and thoughtfully at the second examination question, which read: “State the number
of tons of coal shipped out of the United States in any given year.” Then his brow cleared and he wrote: “ 1492 — none.”

state v [steit] — указать, назвать

ton n [t?n] — тонна

coal n [koul] — уголь

ship out v [‘?ip ‘aut] — вывозить (морем, на кораблях)

brow п [brau] — лоб, чело

 Prof . : “Before we begin the examination are there any questions?”

Stud . : “What’s the name of this course?»

Prof . : “Wake up that fellow next to you.”

Stud . : “You do it, prof, you put him to sleep.”

wake up v [‘weik ‘?р] — разбудить

wake (woke, woken) v [weik, wouk, wouk?n] — будить

to put smb. to sleep — усыпить

Prof . : “You can’t sleep in my class.”

Stud : “If you didn’t talk so loud I could.”

Math. t eacher: “Now we find that X is equal to zero.”

Stud . : “Gee! All that work for nothing!”

math. [m??] — разг. — математика

equal a [‘i:kw?l] — равный

Gee! [d?i:] — восклицание удивления или недовольства

Medical prof. : “What would you do in the case of a person eating poisonous mushrooms?”

Stud .: “Recommend a change of diet.”

poisonous a [‘poizn?s] — ядовитый

mushroom n [‘m??rum] — гриб

change n [t?eind?] — изменение

diet n [‘dai?t] — диета 

Prof.: “Tell me one or two things about John Milton.”

Stud. : “Well, he got married and he wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

John Milton [‘d?on ‘milt?n] — Джон Мильтон (1608 — 1674), великий английский поэт и публицист

“Paradise Lost” [‘p?r?daiz ‘lost] — «Потерянный рай»

“Paradise Regained” [‘p?r?daiz ri’geind] — «Возвращенный рай» — названия поэм Мильтона.

 “Our economics professor talks to himself. Does yours?”

“Yes, but he doesn’t realize it. He thinks we’re listening.”

“I shall now illustrate what I have in mind,” said the professor as he erased the board.

erase v [l’reiz]  — стирать, счищать

board or blackboard n [‘b?:d, ‘bl?kb?:d] — доска

Stud .: “I’m indebted to you for all I know.”

Prof.: “Oh, don’t mention such a mere trifle.”

I’m indebted [in’detid] to you — я у вас в долгу, я вам обязан

mention v [‘men?n] — упоминать

trifle п [‘traifl] — пустяк, мелочь

First stud. : “The dean says he is going to stop smoking in the college.”

Second stud. : “Huh! Next thing he’ll be asking us to stop it too.»

A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor.

“Your last paper was very difficult to read,” said the professor, “Your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to understand it.”

“Yes, sir,” said the student, “What part didn’t you get?”

freshman n [‘fre?m?n] — студент первокурсник

ignorant a [‘ign?rent] — невежественный, необразованный

get (got, got) v — понять, разобрать

Prof . : “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.”

Stud. : “No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!”

fool n [fu:l] — дурак, глупец

wise a [waiz] — мудрый

flunk v [fl??k] (Amer.) —  провалиться на экзамене

Prof . : “You missed my class yesterday, didn’t you?”

Stud . : “Not in the least, sir, not in the least!”

miss v [mis] — 1) пропускать (занятия, лекции и т. д.); 2) скучать о…

not in the least — нисколько, ни в коей мере

The professor was delivering the final lecture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each
student should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final examinations.

“The examination papers are now in the hands of the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?”

Silence prevailed. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired:

“Who is the printer?”

dwell on v [dwel] — подробно останавливаться, распространяться о…

intervening [int?’vi:ni?] — зд. оставшееся

printer п [‘print?] — печатник, типограф

English prof. : “What is the difference between an active verb and a passive verb?”
Stud. : “An active verb shows action and a passive verb shows passion.

active a [‘?ktiv] — 1. активный, деятельный 2. (грамм.) действительного залога

passive a [‘p?siv] — 1. пассивный, безразличный 2. (грамм.) страдательного залога

action п [‘аеk??n] — действие

passion п [‘p???n] — страсть

In one of college classes the professor was unable to stay for the class, so he placed a sign on the door which read as follows: “Professor Blank will be unable to meet his classes today.”

Some college lad, seeing his chance to display his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the “c” in the word “classes.” The professor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the sign with the “c” erased — calmly walked up and erased the “l” in “lasses”, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

sign n [sain] — объявление

notice n [‘noutis] — объявление

display v [dis’plei] — проявить, показать

wheel around v [‘wi:l ?’raund] — повернуться, обернуться назад

lass n [l?s] — девушка

ass n [?s] — осел

flabbergasted a [‘fl?b?ga:stid] — ошеломленный

proceed on one’s way [pr?’si:d] — продолжать свой путь

Prof.: “Never mind the date. The examination is more important.”

Stud. : “Well, sir, I wanted to have something right on my paper.”

The much preoccupied professor walked into the barber’s shop and sat in a chair next to a woman who was having her hair bobbed.“Haircut, please,” ordered the professor.“Certainly,” said the barber. “But if you really want a hairmt would you mind taking off your hat first?”

The customer hurriedly removed his hat.

“I ’m sorry,” he apologized as he looked around.“I didn’t know there was a lady present.”

barber n [‘bа:b?]— парикмахер

barber’s shop [‘ba:b?z ??p] — парикмахерская

bob v [b?b] — коротко стричься

haircut n [‘he?k?t] — стрижка

customer n [‘k?stsm?]— клиент

to remove one’s hat — снять шляпу

Reporter : “What is the professor’s research work?”

Prof.’s housekeeper : “It consists principally in hunting for his spectacles.”

research work [ri’s?:t? w?:k] — научно-исследовательская работа

spectacles n [‘spekt?klz] — очки

“So you use three pairs of glasses, professor?”
“Yes, one pair for long sight, one pair for short sight, and the third to look for the other two.”

short sight [‘??:t sait] — зд. дальнее расстояние

long sight [‘l?? sait]— зд. близкое расстояние

Rupert : “What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?”
Roland : “They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry.”
Rupert: “Ye gods, the entire history of England was on them.”

cuff n [k?f]— манжет (крахмальный)

soiled a [s?ild] — загрязненный, грязный

laundry n [‘l?:ndri] — прачечная

Pam: “Hasn’t Harvey ever married?”

Beryl : “No, and I don’t think he intends to, because he’s studying for a bachelor’s degree.”


Pam [p?m]

Beryl [‘beril]

Harvey [‘ha:vei]

bachelor n [‘b?t??l?] — 1. холостяк,2. бакалавр (низшая ученая степень)

Freshman : “Say, what’s the idea of wearing my raincoat?”

Roomma t e : “Well, you wouldn’t want our new suit to get wet, would you?”

raincoat n [‘reinkout]— дождевик


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